Matchday 9 Preview: Monday Night Hax™ Edition

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Match Facts

• Both teams level on 10 points in the table, Soccerettes higher by virtue of superior GD
  
• Guard Dogs have won their last 2 league games
  
• Socrates emphatically defends MrP in press conference after allegations of doping following the Deja game:
  

"My player was not under the influence of any performance-enhancing drugs, I think? I mean er, well I can't say for sure. It's best to take a dialectic approach to these types of questions but I'm not really a Philosopher or anything."

Team Analysis: Guard Dogs

Well I told them to sort it out and they certainly did that. The signing of Spanish FM Div1 midfielder Mata by Captain Punk seems to have been an inspired decision as not only did he have a massive influence in a 5-1 victory over Deja (scoring or assisting all 5 goals), he also kept a cleansheet as GK in the following match, a 1-0 win over FOXHOUND.

It was clear that in order to get the best out of GK Jai, Guard Dogs needed outfield players with the quality to supplement him, and judging by his first 2 games, the recruitment of Mata could be the catalyst for an even bigger push up the table.

Team Analysis: Soccerettes

For a team that prides itself on its resolute defence, a 4-0 loss to Sheepshaggers will have been a dissapointment considering they only conceded 1 goal in their previous 3 league games going into that match. It's imperative that Soccerettes regroup as they are facing a team that are not only level with them on points, but also seem to be undergoing a renaissance.

This game will be a real test for Socrates' team. The last time they conceded 4 (in a 4-1 loss to L8 Unseen), they hit back with an 8-0 thrashing of Deja followed by a draw and another win in their next 2 games. If they can repeat that form then Soccerettes really will start to believe that attaining a CL place is a possibility.

Match Verdict

If my last matchday preview was any indication, then you're better off just skipping these parts. This isn't an easy one to predict. For Guard Dogs, although it's early days the signing of Mata seems to have improved them immensely and they will go into this game fancying themselves to win.

Soccerettes are a solid team with a very experienced and level-headed Captain. I can't see this team regressing or losing motivation, they will go into this game determined to put the loss to Sheepshaggers behind them and return to usual form. I think this will be a tight game, I can see both teams winning a close game so the fairest thing for me to do is stick my bum on the fence and go for a 2-2 Draw.

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Match Facts

• HK Stalingrad have conceded exactly 3 goals in each of their last 4 league games
  
• HK Stalingrad have lost 3 of their last 4 league games
  
• FOXHOUND in even poorer form, have lost previous 5 league games in a row
  
• HK Stalingrad Captain Ren walks out of press conference after questions regarding the future of one of his players arise:
  
  

  "I may or may not have recieved an offer from Arsenal which may or may not have included them trading me a 1st round draft pick for one of my players, and I may or may not have rejected this offer. I'm simply not prepared to entertain any of this tabloid gossip. I remain completely focused on getting my team back to winning ways, not to mention I have a music quiz to organise. Thank you and goodbye."

  
  

Team Analysis: HK Stalingrad

Things have started to go downhill quickly. 3 defeats in the last 4 games and 12 goals conceded in that time means HK Stalingrad should forget about competing for the league title and instead start looking behind them. They have the quality to turn things around but 4 losses so far this season tells you that perhaps, whilst talented individually, the team doesn't quite have the type of 3v3 nous to be able to challenge at the very top of the table.

Rumours abound that if HK Stalingrads poor form continues, gado will start getting his MS Paint diagrams out:

Team Analysis: FOXHOUND

One small crumb of comfort for HK Stalingrad is that the next team they face off against are in even worse form than they are. With 5 losses in a row, FOXHOUND are starting to develop the unwanted tag of 'Premhax whipping boys'. However, all is not lost. This is after all, the only team who have taken points off Sheepshaggers this season, so it is no stretch of the imagination to see them doing the same against a somewhat demoralised opponent.

On paper it seems like FOXHOUND are expected to lose this one, so in that regard it seems like the type of game where they have nothing to lose. All expectations and pressure will be on HK Stalingrad, and considering they have lost every game this season which has been streamed, it seems pressure isn't something 'The Comrades' handle very well.

Match Verdict

Both teams are playing below their own expectations, but I believe that HK Stalingrad have higher ceiling of team potential and sooner or later this will translate into league performances. FOXHOUND will feel they have a real chance of taking points here and won't be a pushover, but I predict HK Stalingrad will show a marked improvement on Monday night and will come away with a 3-1 victory.

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Match Facts

• L8 Unseen have conceded 19 in their last 4 league games
  
• L8 Unseen haven't won in the league since a 4-1 victory over Soccerettes on 13th April
  
• Deja claimed their 1st cleansheet of the season in 3-0 victory over HK Stalingrad on last matchday
  

Team Analysis: L8 Unseen

In my last preview, my main issue in regards to L8 Unseen was that they needed to find a level of consistency, and while this this issue is still apparent, any team who can hold Arsenal to a 5-5(!) draw deserves some recognition.

The last 3 games couldn't have been harder for them on paper, having to play Sheepshaggers, Arsenal and Can't Score one after another, and whilst they only came out of these 3 fixtures with 1 point, they can take some solace in the Sheepshaggers and (especially) the Arsenal performances.

L8 Unseen Captain Swie posted an interesting table in the last preview. It showed the league positions if only 1st half scores results were counted. The fact that L8 Unseen were 2nd in this table says a lot about this team and how much more success they could have if they played to their ability over longer sustained periods.

Team Analysis: Deja

A promising 3-0 victory over HK Stalingrad gives Captain Ziz something to build on. Whilst HK Stalingrad were extremely poor, no credit can be taken away from Deja. Nobody doubts Dejas ability to score goals (only 2 teams have scored more than them this season), what people question is whether or not Deja can keep them out in their own end consistently.

A cleansheet to go along with victory in their last game will always give a team optimism going forward, but unless Deja can get these types of results more regularly, they will struggle to break out of mid-table obscurity.

Match Verdict

Grab some dice, roll once for each team. Whatever number it lands on is the number of goals they score. I just did it and I came out with a 4-3 Deja win.  :mystic:

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Match Facts

• Pelicans conceded 15(!) in their last game against Arsenal
  
• Pelicans had only conceded 9 total in the league before then
  
• Can't Score have scored 14 in their last 3 league games
  
• Pelicans GK Lumi gives heated response after being questioned by journalists over the 15-3 Arsenal bumming
  

"It's not my fucking fault okay? Piss off I've only been back playing for like 2 days, you go in goal then you prick. I used to be manager of Team UK, I don't have to take any shit from you so kiss my arse"

Team Analysis: Pelicans

Pelicans Captain Hesur will be praying to Allah that the last game against Arsenal was a blip and not a sign of things to come, because if there is one team you don't want to continue such poor defensive play against it's Can't Score, the leagues in-form team.

The formbook gives consolation however, as before this nightmare game, Pelicans were very competitive in Premhax (their heaviest defeat only being by a 2-goal margin to Guard Dogs). Hesur will need his boys (and girl) to put this rout to the back of their minds and get back to playing to the type of level we are accustomed to seeing from them this season.

Team Analysis: Can't Score

Ignore the team name, because these slags are scoring for fun. 14 in their last 3 games (including a very well-fought 3-2 victory over HK Stalingrad) has shown us that this team is hitting the back of the net with ease lately. Not only that, but the defense is as solid as ever, with a miserly 7 goals conceded thus far.

6 wins in a row tells us that Captain mlf and his boys are really hitting their stride, and the Team UK veteran will expect nothing less than to continue this excellent winning run against a team who got utterly cucked in their last game.

With players like aero, element, giggs, salamini and Beninho, Can't Score have plenty of high quality options across the pitch, and regardless of who plays, they will feel they have enough quality and momentum to get another win.

Match Verdict

The 15-3 defeat was an anomaly of course, having said that, I feel that even if Pelicans do get back to their standard level of playing, Can't Score just have too much going for them at the moment anyway.

When I played against Can't Score, I got the impression that this was a team where every person knew their position, role and expectations. It took a lucky deflection and a well executed wall-bounce thingy shot (i dunno wtf the term is) to score against them, and whilst they defended very deep, they seemed completely at ease being under sustained pressure.

Against Pelicans it will be a bit different, I feel they will have more of the play and have the quality and teamwork to translate this into a result. I thinking a Can't Score 2-0 victory is on the cards.

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Match Facts

• League leaders Sheepshaggers go into this game 3 points clear of their opponents with a game in hand
  
• Sheepshaggers have the 2nd best attack and the 2nd best defense in the league
  
• Arsenal are yet to keep a cleansheet this season
  
• #feedthechuck
  

Team Analysis: Sheepshaggers

The table doesn't lie, Sheepshaggers have been the standout team so far as we head closer to the end of the 1st half of the season. Captain B4D has flourished playing alongside Mad and he will improve more and more under the guidance of the highly experienced and highly skilled ex-ACDP Captain.

When AHMED left for Deja, the question as to who would replace him was answered when Spanish all-rounder luck was signed. He already had success with this team, helping them win the pre-season 4v4 funcup with an overtime victory over HK Stalingrad, and he has slotted into their 3v3 setup equally well, helping the team continue their great start to the season with wins over L8 Unseen and Soccerettes.

Team Analysis: Arsenal

Arsenal will feel they have the quality to put up a real fight for the title, but question marks have been raised over them defensively. Scoring 5 goals against L8 Unseen and still dropping points isn't good enough for a team with title aspirations.

They will go into this massive game on a high however, after the 15-3 rampage over Pelicans. They were utterly ruthless in front of goal and hammered Hesurs team mercilessly. Sheepshaggers will be an entirely different story, and it will be imperative that Arsenal show some defensive discipline to go alongside the attacking flair against a team who can punish even the tiniest mistake.

Match Verdict

Nobody can doubt the quality in the Arsenal line-up, but I think Sheepshaggers are the one team who can most effectively take advantage of any positional gaps or misunderstandings in defense that Arsenal have been prone to displaying (though Can't Score in current form may argue otherwise).

There is a lot at stake for both teams here. A win for Arsenal and they are well and truly back in the race, and a win for Sheepshaggers gives them not only another morale-boosting victory over supposed title contenders, but more importantly, it gives them some breathing space at the top of the table.

This will be a great game, and Arsenal will ask some serious questions, but they just look a bit too porous in defense at the moment, so I'm going for a 3-2 Sheepshaggers win.

The best preview ive read so far

best preview yet

10/10 would make alternate account to rep this post again

Brilliant! Can we just pay ogre to do all the previews?

sfe 4 acdp shoutout

oggi gonna drown in all that rep if he keeps this up

abi wrote:sfe 4 acdp shoutout

Genuinely one of the best haxball related articles I've ever read. Oggi you're a wizard.

oggi imma up ur wages lad

Nice1

Very nice review, good job!